So after seeing Anne tonight, I came home with the determination to write an honest and frank-on-the-verge-of-rude letter telling her how I feel and apologizing for certain heartless actions of mine. I need to reread it and feel confident in mailing it, but I already feel really good for having written it.

I'm leaving for new york in six hours! I mean, leaving my house for the airport in six hours, though I wish that my flight left in six hours so that I wouldn't have time to sleep before departure. I'm going to get only a few hours sleep, and that'll be unfortunate. But China Town, here I come! I have to go to the store now to get a few more supplies, and I need to pack my bags.

Have a great week! I'm so excited!

The last two weeks at work have been really rough because we had a barista who called out for a total of 6 shifts to be covered by five people, some of which would be working alongside her. I went into overtime both weeks in four day spans... I was really tired. But this week is nice and chill, and even though I'm completely out of commission and I can't hang out, I have time between shifts to read and be by myself. It's nice.

Dad's 50th birthday is tomorrow! He already got his AARP card in the mail... my dad's a SENIOR CITIZEN. how weird! He certainly doesn't seem old to me. We're going to NY on Wednesday for a week to celebrate, and I'm going to freak when I have access to fantastic public transportation that can get me anywhere I want to go. Strangely, besides spending time with my parents and celebrating, I'm looking forward to being alone most. In a city that overwhelms you with the reality of how small you are, you can just disappear in a crowd and retreat inside yourself. I get cravings for that feeling a lot.

I've also been riding my scooter all over the place. It's such a freeing feeling! The rush, the hot air brushing coolly on my skin, the dramatic bumps in the road, feeling like 25 mph is fast, being able to go anywhere, the destination dwarfing in comparison to the ride itself, the most sensitive control.

I'm ready to relax. I'm glad my stressful weeks have passed. I hope everyone's doing as well as I am.

Today, I want to mark a big black x over his stupid face. I think he's stupid. Yeah, I said it. I hate thinking about him at all because he just pisses me off.  
I also think I put too many coffee grounds in my coffee so that it's way too black. That makes me sad.
And I have school and work today, and I have to write a paper and do a true false test (why the fuck are we still doing those in college?) before I can finish this class. That makes me sad as well.

Today I don't really have the best attitude. Probably because I felt like snuggling last night (which isn't a common desire) and I had no one to hold. I'm going to read at any given idle moment and maybe my attitude will change. There are better things to think about than stupid stuff.

I was wrong. The programs I looked at in France don't offer any psychology classes in English, so I'm looking at some universities in northern (really fucking cold) Europe. The program that appeals most to me is a cross-cultural study research program in social psyc (probably going to be my focus) in the Netherlands! I'm so jazzed about it that I want to scream! Only, there's limited space in the program.

This is the first time since before I graduated high school that I've wanted something so badly that my thoughts led me to using affirmations and seeing myself there on that campus. So I guess help me see this as a reality and hope for the best for me! Because this just feels right.

Well shit. I've had a lot a lot going on in my life, so many things that I'm really proud of. So I guess this is a sort of hooray list!
1. I changed birth control pills, and I think I've relieved my body of a major hormonal freakout. Low estrogen pills are great!
2. I finally got the position I wanted at work, so I'm moving from server to barista and making hourly and a fat tip out. Yay for my patience!
3. I got a $1500 scholarship to be used for "educational expenses!"
4. I'm going to France in a year to study abroad and take psych classes in another culture and travel and ride my bike wherever (whereever? where ever?) I need to go!
5. I got a new bike and it's beeeaaaauuuuutiful! It's awkward to ride, but I'll get used to it.
6. I'm wearing my favorite green sweater, and my house is cold enough to warrant wearing a sweater. wearing sweaters generally makes me happy.
7. I'm selling my car and will be done with depending on cars hopefully for good! I'll be a proponent in the change to mass transit and fuel-efficient transportation I hope (I bought a scooter but have yet to ride it).
8. I slept with my neighbor, who is a tattoo artist... and is walking sex. He is so fine.
9. BATMAN WAS SO GOOD! Great amateur porn couldn't turn me on as much as that movie.
10. Most importantly, I have received closure with Wayne in a way I'd never expect. We slept together while he was broken up with Cassi temporarily, and then he got back with her after telling me he wouldn't. I yelled at him in a most profound way, criticizing his actions and lack of compassion, and now we're not friends and probably will not be. But I'm happy. I'm free. For the first time in 3 years.

Hooray!
Things are really good with me, and work, school, and the house are all well. I'm going to have another glass of wine : )

I wish everyone well and much understanding of balance.